Dear Capitol Hill Books:
As the Special Projects Director of Amazon’s Department of Community Relations, it is my duty to inform you that your request to borrow Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ helicopter for the purpose of airlifting a large, tiled mosaic wall depicting scenes from Don Quixote to the patio behind your business on C Street SE in Washington, D.C. has been denied. Rest assured that your request was given due consideration. And while I am sympathetic to your plight — what bookstore hasn’t purchased a mosaic wall at auction sight unseen only to find they had no effective means to transport it — your request was ultimately rejected for the following reasons:
1. Don Quixote’s current sales rank on our website is #22,359, a metric which our sales team informs me merits a qualification of “not culturally significant” according to our algorithm, making a mosaic wall depicting scenes from the novel unworthy of special consideration.
2. Mr. Bezos’ helicopter is currently on the helipad of his superyacht, which is anchored somewhere off the coast of the Capri and won’t be headed for the Eastern Seaboard for some time. Sailing Mr. Bezos’ superyacht across the Atlantic for the sole purpose of airlifting the Don Quixote wall would place an undue burden on Mr. Bezos, much like abiding by antitrust laws or paying taxes.
3. In doing background research for your request, it came to our attention that Capitol Hill Books has routinely mocked and insulted our company for many years now on social media, often in a petty manner. We at Amazon are proponents of civil dialogue that helps build bridges toward a brighter future in which those of all races, colors, creeds, and sexual orientations are free from discrimination, burdensome labor laws, and the inconvenience of having to shop anywhere except Amazon.
4. The tweet below would seem to indicate that Capitol Hill Books’ purchase of the Don Quixote tiled mosaic wall had less to do with the community and more to do with some, forgive me, quixotic pursuit of bizarre literary curios that serve little business purpose—this despite mounting pressures like rising property taxes on local businesses (can’t imagine having to pay taxes — our heart goes out to you), inflation and, of course, yours truly.
5. While we at Amazon congratulate Capitol Hill Books on serving the Capitol Hill area for more than three decades and we are committed to supporting local communities and businesses until such time as those businesses are crushed under the weight of our predatory pricing schemes and the veritable monopoly that we are quickly consolidating over all commercial aspects of American life, at this time we do not believe that the transport of a nine-foot Don Quixote tiled mosaic wall serves an important community interest that justifies the use of Mr. Bezos’ helicopter.
In summation, your request has been denied.
Your Request to Borrow Jeff Bezos’ Helicopter Has Been Denied
Nervousness detected at McSweeney's palatial, gated bayfront campus.